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Banu’s Blog

The Woman I Dream to Be

I want to confess something. I have been looking for my power in other women all my life. I wasn’t yet able to show up in the world as a confident woman who stands proud in her own power. But I could always spot a woman who could — even from a mile away. I have always been able to see the goddess in other women. In my early 20s, my close friends were women who were generally 15 to 20 years older than I was. It felt wonderful to be in their presence and watch them navigate smoothly in the chaotic waters of life without losing sight of who they are.

I longed to be like them. I made myself valuable to these women by being their admirer, best friend, the person who would carry their shadow for them if it got too heavy. I wasn’t faking it; I really idolized and worshipped them. They were fantastic women — compassionate, powerful and authentic. I would give and do anything to be like them.

“How can I be like you?” I’d ask. They’d say, “You will be. You are on your way….”

Yet, I wondered, “How long is this road? Why can’t I have that now? How much longer do I have to live in pain?”

I searched for answers in books, in men, and mostly, again, in other women. I wanted to be the version of me that I could love, respect, cherish, hold above all else and own proudly. I knew that she was in there somewhere, but I didn’t exactly know how to draw her out.

By making friends with these fabulous, strong and loving women, I was secretly giving myself permission to be that — even if not now — someday. I was watching their every move, carving every word that came out of their mouth into the walls of my brain and saving it all up for when it was time.

Now I know that I recognized myself in them. It was my essence that was calling me — my essence that was already beautiful, powerful, compassionate, smart and grounded. At times when I feel exactly this way, I watch all my anxieties and insecurities disappear; I feel no judgment or fear. I am in peace. I am who the universe needs me to be. It doesn’t last forever, though. Then my ego kicks in and somehow talks me into believing that I have a long way to go, and I haven’t even scratched the surface of perfection. I am not good enough. I know that it is only an illusion, but it is very familiar, and it takes work to convince myself otherwise.

I never walked around with a “I want to meet the man of my dreams” idea. When I fell in love with men, I was falling in love with the image of my ideal self that I saw in his eyes.

I am happy to tell you that I am closer to the woman I want to be than I have ever been. I still surround myself with powerful women who can set healthy boundaries, love without losing themselves, empower and inspire others to be who they need to be. The more I see this happening, the more it becomes a part of what I define as “normal” and the more permission I get to be the wonderful, magnificent me.

The little voice inside me that tells me that I will never be good enough gets quieter for longer periods of time. I know one day it will be barely hearable. And even when I can still hear it, I will have my powerful female friends giving me that knowing nod with that loving twinkle in their eyes.

Professional Spotlight

• Colleen Kurke Cutz Hair Design I look at beauty from all angles. The outer beauty reflects the inner beauty.
• Vivian Ledesma, Chiropractor Alliance Chiropractic Dr. Vivian sees lives change and worlds open up when people can return to doing what they love without pain.
• Jenni Volk The Volk Law Firm, PLLC Jenni recently had the opportunity to write two chapters in the Breast Cancer Legal Resources Guide and is very familiar with issues affecting women and their children.
• Anne Zastko Zastko Financial, Mass Mutual Financial Services I am passionate about helping people become the master of their finances because I learned what “NOT’ to do from a very early age!
• Marilyn Michaels Neuro-Therapy I am passionately interested in helping people, especially women, gain the positive self esteem and emotional strength to grow and thrive.
• Rachel Whalley Fog to Fire, Psychotherapy My way of working puts us into a meaningful relationship that includes a mixture of deep listening, reflective insight, and fearless, compassionate truth-telling that will bring you out of the fog and into the heat of your inner fire.
• Karrie Kohlhaas ThoughtShot Consulting Your wish might be that you want to start a business or grow/manage a business you already have even better. That’s what I do.
• Jamie Thomas Divorce Network, A Woman Resource Jamie Thomas learned the process of divorce recovery first hand by not only living through it but by recognizing that merely surviving divorce is not enough.
• Noreen Wedman Noreen Wedman Abuse Hurts, BUT Healing frees up Energy to Live more Fully.
• Debbie Lacy Inspired Life Coaching I draw on personal experience in my coaching work. Faced with a rapid-fire series of major life transitions shortly after launching my business, I used coaching tools everyday to reconnect with myself and uncover strengths within—initially just to put one foot in front of the other, and then to create new dreams and new beginnings
• Colleen Kurke Cutz Hair Design I look at beauty from all angles. The outer beauty reflects the inner beauty.
• Vivian Ledesma, Chiropractor Alliance Chiropractic Dr. Vivian sees lives change and worlds open up when people can return to doing what they love without pain.
• Jenni Volk The Volk Law Firm, PLLC Jenni recently had the opportunity to write two chapters in the Breast Cancer Legal Resources Guide and is very familiar with issues affecting women and their children.
• Anne Zastko Zastko Financial, Mass Mutual Financial Services I am passionate about helping people become the master of their finances because I learned what “NOT’ to do from a very early age!
• Marilyn Michaels Neuro-Therapy I am passionately interested in helping people, especially women, gain the positive self esteem and emotional strength to grow and thrive.
• Rachel Whalley Fog to Fire, Psychotherapy My way of working puts us into a meaningful relationship that includes a mixture of deep listening, reflective insight, and fearless, compassionate truth-telling that will bring you out of the fog and into the heat of your inner fire.
• Karrie Kohlhaas ThoughtShot Consulting Your wish might be that you want to start a business or grow/manage a business you already have even better. That’s what I do.
• Jamie Thomas Divorce Network, A Woman Resource Jamie Thomas learned the process of divorce recovery first hand by not only living through it but by recognizing that merely surviving divorce is not enough.
• Noreen Wedman Noreen Wedman Abuse Hurts, BUT Healing frees up Energy to Live more Fully.
• Debbie Lacy Inspired Life Coaching I draw on personal experience in my coaching work. Faced with a rapid-fire series of major life transitions shortly after launching my business, I used coaching tools everyday to reconnect with myself and uncover strengths within—initially just to put one foot in front of the other, and then to create new dreams and new beginnings

Articles

• A Mothers Day Tribute, By Laura Cruikshank

  This time of year I always look forward to the end of the school year, when my children can have a break from their busy, regimented schedules, and I get a break from being the homework Nazi and taxi driver. We can all take some time to breath, enjoy unstructured time, relax — that is until the first echoes of “I’m bored” ring through my ears. This happens usually inside a week.

• WWISH Announces Fundraiser to benefit Family Services

  Join us for an evening of elegance to create opportunity.... More than 2,700 children and their families are homeless tonight. Approximately 23,000 children witness violence between adults at home each year. And 25% of the population experiences mental health issues. These sobering statistics are the moms, dads and children of King County—and the mission of Family Services is to change these numbers by changing lives. Family Services, a non-profit organization, helps strengthen our community by providing families with lasting solutions to build healthy relationships and stable lives.

• Sponsors for WWISH Fundraiser May 30. RSVP Today

• Announcement From Laura

  I formed an advisory board and last Thursday we met for the first time. There are twelve members in our group. I admit, I was a little nervous, but I had no expectations of the outcome, and I came with an open mind and open heart (I had to open my heart because it feels like my soul is WWISH), and the result was incredibly productive. If I actually knew what I was doing when I chose the board, I could not have done better. What really amazes me with the entire process of forming WWISH, and now building on it, is that it seems so natural. The steps become clear as they present themselves. When I meet people and share my vision for WWISH, men and women get excited about the possibility of a place women can go and feel absolutely supported.